Why You Shouldn't Cheat On Vampires
by wednesdayforest
Summary: Five TV couples, a gay bar, and karaoke. How does it get any better than that?


In a certain little-known gay bar in Seattle, four couples _were having a bet._

And they decided _that the bet meant they were all getting very drunk._

They were betting that _either Bill or Eric would get drunk first._

I turned out that _Eric was the one to get drunk first!_

This made everyone happy, because _it meant that Eric was would do karaoke!_

Can he sing, they all wondered? CAN HE?

_He could, kind of. Actually, he was quite terrible!_

Even so, his rendition of "Give Up the Funk" was very entertaining.

_It was, but soon it was getting embarrassing, even for Bill, so _Bill beat him over the head to knock him out, and dragged him to the car.

_Now Mark, Derek, Damon, Sam, Puck, Kurt, Scotty and Kevin were left, bored and drunk._

"Where the hell did you come from?" a very drunk Kurt Hummel asked of Scotty and Kevin.

_"Outside!" Scotty said in a deep, spooky voice. Kevin snorted, rather like a pig._

Kurt, shocked by Scotty's spooky voice, fell backwards off his chair.

_So Puck stood up, thinking about getting into a fight. However, his head was far too heavy, and he fell over backwards, too._

"This is why we shouldn't have invited kids," Sam muttered to his companion. Damon nodded, and Mark Sloan grunted in agreement.

_"They're fine, a bit young, but with us, we can help," Derek said, he wasn't drinking as much as the others._

"How exactly can we help?" Sam inquired for two reasons. One, he wanted to know, and two, McDreamy had the second sexiest voice ever (the first belonged to Damon) and nice hair.

_"Well, these guys are teenagers in Lima, Ohio, one of the smallest most conservative towns any of us have ever seen. Being in the Glee club for them made them meat, but being gay and in Glee club made them dead meat." Sam was staring at him in an odd way, it made him worried, so his chair slid closer to Mark's._

"You mean figuratively dead or, y'know, _dead _dead, 'cause I'm totally into necro-" Damon's hand flew up, faster than a silver bullet, and covered Sam's mouth.

_Scotty, Kevin, Mark and Derek all looked at each other over the tables. Purt and Kurt stopped kissing to look at each other on the floor, still not working out which way was up._

This resulted in a rather nasty bump to the head as Kurt tried to barrel through the floor.

_Now Kevin had gotten up to the Karaoke machine, this time to sing "I'm too Sexy" taking off his _suit to reveal a pair of boxer shorts patterned with hearts and a Vest with "I *heart* Scotty" printed across it.

_Scotty blushed bright red and said _"I swear, that was not my idea! He made it himself when he was learning to sew, and he promised he'd never, ever wear it!" Kevin continued singing (if that was the right word for his half-droning, half-shouting) and blew a kiss across the room to Scotty.

_Mark was looking at Derek in a funny way. Derek looked back confused. _

"What?"

"Well," said Mark. "I was thinking…"

_"About what? Because I was thinking about that patient with the cysts. Fascinating!"_

_Mark was shocked. "Seriously?"_

"Yeah. What, you don't think about patients when you're drinking with me?"

_"Well, yes, sure I do. I think about Mrs Henderson's breast implantation and Mr Colder's erectile dysfunction. What else would I think about when I'm with you?"_

"Exactly." The pair stared into each other's eyes and started to smooch like a pair of horny seventeen-year-olds.

_Damon turned to Sam. "Think we can take 'em?"_

_"Do you mean "take them" as in, copy them" Sam shifted to the edge of his chair, closer to Damon, his knee pushing Damon's apart. "Or do you mean, "take them"?" Sam's tongue licked the shell of Damon's ear and he shivered._

"Oh, I like the way you think, Sugar!" A tingle of pleasure went down Damon's spine as Sam moved his inquisitive mouth down his neck, playfully biting. Damon turned his head towards the two men opposite them, lost in their own embrace.

_When Sam woke the next morning, his head hurt, and as he turned over to comfort in Damon's chest, he turned to see, not Damon, but _Derek Shepherd. One arm was slung across Sam's waist, his other hand tangled in his hair.

Suddenly, the bedroom door opened to reveal _Castiel, who murmured his sorry that it was the wrong room. It was only after he left that Sam realised that Cas wasn't wearing that much. He wondered_ why, but the groaning of an awakening Derek put that thought into the back of his mind. 

_Sam quickly checked to see if he was wearing anything other than a pink boa, but discovered nothing else._He jumped as the man next to him spoke. "You're not Mark!"

"And you're not Damon!" Sam replied

"And neither of you are Puck!" Kurt Hummel's tousled head appeared from underneath the sheets. 

_"Jesus," Sam swore. His mind went to Damon. His Damon, the one who_ would give up everything for Sam if given half the chance. How on earth was Sam ever going to make up for this? And where was Damon anyway? 

_Sam jumped out of bed and started to claim the clothes that were his in the small pile of clothes, despite there being three of them. __  
_

It took him a while, but he finally managed to cover himself in his black jeans, plaid shirt, and a long, white doctor's coat that may not have belonged to him, he just liked the way it looked. After debating whether or not to take the fuschia pink Marc Jacobs' scarf, he was on his way. 

_He stalked out the room, then went down the hall. He was in the hotel him and Damon was staying in. So he went towards his room. Passing Mark on his way. Once he reached the door and opened it, he_ saw Damon, asleep on the couch. In his sleep he looked so innocent and non-evil-dead-inhuman. _His shirt was rumpled and his shoes were falling off his feet _so Sam went and pulled them off completely. He then pulled the couch throw over him gently, careful not to wake him. 

_However Damon did awake. He groaned then slowly opened his eyes and looked at Sam. Something crossed over Damon's face once their eyes connected. Sam tried to work out what it was. But he dashed the thought away, it couldn't be, no, he wouldn't, but Sam could see the feeling of_ hurt and confusion reflected in his lover's eyes. There was no doubt in his mind that Damon knew everything that had gone on last night. 

_"I'm so sorry. I honestly don't remember what happened. One moment you were licking my ear then...poof! Is poof the word? I don't know what I can do to make this up to you."_

Damon glared at him. "The only way you will ever win my affection back is by singing 'Give Up the Funk' on karaoke"

_"No."_

_Damon had an evil smirk, his famous evil smirk. "Yes."_

_"Please!" Sam looked like he was almost about to cry._

"Tonight. In the bar. In front of everyone." Damon smirked evilly. Not that he ever stopped smirking evilly, but the smirk was enforced more than ever. 

_Sam was shaking. He was usually full of confidence, he had been on every event that involved a stage at high school for his acceptance into college, but what everyone but Dean didn't know was that was most of the time, he spent near a toilet removing everything he'd eaten or drunk over the last couple of days._

Sam looked over to the evil one he totally didn't know why he was dating - I mean, sleeping with, 'cause they totally weren't, like, boyfriends, or, y'know, _in love _or anything - who was grinning from ear to ear, **the bastard.**

_Finally, after one to many drinks, Sam got up to sing. And Damon couldn't enjoy it as much. Sam was hating it, he couldn't sing, but he was wearing the doctors coat, using it to dance. Damon felt less fury and more pain_ but still, Sam had been an ass, so Damon let him suffer a little longer, before _standing up, going over towards another man and kissing him. It didn't feel right, it didn't taste right, the man didn't bite on Damon's lip before sticking his tongue in his mouth, he didn't lick his teeth to see if he could get his fangs out. He didn't do anything like Sam._

_Sam_ who had stopped singing and left the stage at that point, stared in horror at what he was seeing. The anger he felt was weighed down by the guilt. He knew he deserved no less.

_But it didn't stop him from leaving the club and_ running to the nearest payphone to call his older brother, who had been hunting a pack of vampires in Ohio.

_Not that far from Lima, Sam thought._

"'Lo?" Dean's sleepy voice crackled from the other end of the phone. Sam had forgotten how late it was.

"Dean . . ."

"Hey, bitch. Why're you calling me at 2 in the morning? You and your boyfriend have a lover's tiff?"

"Yeah, actually."

"Oh, crap, well, what happened?"  
_

_Dean was in his car, driving as fast as he could. He wasn't sure who to be more angry with Sam for messing up his relationship with Damon or Damon with kissing another man while Sam was trying to make up for it._

When it came down to it, they were both complete idiots, therefore perfect for each other. 

_But he still couldn't stand that Sam was in pain._

Dean soon spotted his little brother, hunched on the side walk, wearing . . . was that a doctor's coat? . . .

_Dean pulled up, and as soon as Sam got in the car, demanded to know why Sam was wearing the coat._

"It was what the doctor I was with last night was wearing," Sam snivelled. "He had nice hair. That was the only thing I liked about him, I swear! Well, he had a pretty voice, but Damon's is prettier! And he has those big blue eyes and that evil smirk and that jawline and those eyebrows and . . ." 

_"Okay, stop! Stop right there. You're thinking about other men. Which might mean something. Like, are you sure about your feelings to Damon?"_

"No, I was talking about Damon, you idiot! I just said the doctor had nice hair! I wanted the hair for myself. And his voice was okay, but totally not Damon standard."

_"Right...So how'd you end up in bed with the Doctor then?"_

Sam frowned. "How'd I end up in bed with Matt Smith? I don't think I did. Unless -" his face paled. "Maybe he left while I was still asleep!"

_"Sam, I meant Derek. Who's Mark Smeth? Don't tell me you slept with Derek, Kurt and this other guy. Cause that's totally sluty!"_

Sam blushed. "Never mind. Anyway, I really don't know how I ended up in bed with them. One second I was making out with Damon, the next I was waking up sandwiched between two guys, wearing nothing except a pink feather -"

Dean choked "Too much information!"

"_What am I going to do?" Sam howled._

Dean sighed. "Well, both of you screwed up big time, but, and I can't believe I'm saying this, if you really love each other, and I mean _really _love each other, you'll find a way to get past this."

_Sam sighed. "How? He hates me, as he has every right to. How can I make it up to him?"_

"I can't keep telling you how to live your life, Sammy. You have to figure it out for yourself. You know Damon, you love him, you'll know what to do." Dean reached over and gave Sam's knee a quick squeeze.

_"I know that he's kinky, like, __seriously kinky!__ So, maybe if I planed an evening with some..._

"Please for the love of God don't describe it!" Dean's face resembled that of a child getting the "when a mummy and daddy love each other very much . . ." talk for the first time.

_"I just mean...wait! You have a kinky side some of the time! Why don't you give me some ideas?" Sam looked excited. The kind of excited that Dean hadn't seen on him for a while. So he thought up some of his excapades._

_"Well, there is _fetish bar on the corner of Miller's street. It has great _Historical section. You know, fake and real swords from different centuries and countries. And a religious section with crosses and lube holy water...I don't know what you guys like! I'll just take you there and you can deal with it yourself!"_

Sam nodded. "Sounds like the kinda place Damon would like. But will anyone throw us out if our . . . canoodling gets too heavy and blood gets spilt?"

_"Nah! I think they're used to it. Plus, he's been around for how long? And you've had training with weapons. So I doubt blood will be spilt."_

"Good point. So, no-one'll freak out when we start drinking from each other?" Dean sniggered. "I meant blood, you dirty bastard."

_"Isn't blood in your case also dirty?"_

Sam shrugged. "Touche."

A/N – This was done by me and a friend – LaVendettaDellaFarfalla - who has the most amazing Jacob/Alice fic ever! She was in normal front, while I did the _italics. _Please review so we can be encouraged to explore the others!


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